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“Suicide,” I say, “is the easy way out.
“No,” she says, “the front door is the easy way out. This is a lot more difficult.”
I hear the wind down the phone I’m speaking to her on and I wonder where she is.

“Suicide is not the answer,” I continue.
“Who’s asking questions?!” she retorts, getting angry.
I’m cradling the phone on my shoulder as I stir the cake mix. Even my sister’s imminent suicide can’t stop cake.

“I think you need to talk to someone,” I say, trying to calm her down.
“Well I’m talking to you right now and all it’s doing it pissing me off,” she shouts, “I don’t think talking is doing a great deal of fucking good right now.”
Not that I’m an expert in suicide intervention, but I figure you need to strike a good bond with the person. Like hypnotists and conmen. Not that there’s much of a distinction between hypnotists and conmen.

I need to build a link, I’m thinking, something she can’t just stop talking about so she can jump off a building. Something more interesting than the unholy departure into what counts as an afterlife these days.

“What’s the weather like up there?” I ask.
She snorts down the phone. “What’re you doing, Suicide Intervention 101? A crash course in saving the damned? I bet you’re just making it up, aren’t you?”
She’s sharp.
“You’re just fucking bluffing your way,” she says, “into stopping me jumping off this building. I bet you’re watching TV or something.”
“I’m baking a cake,” I say.
“Oh fucking brilliant! Here I am, your only sibling, on the verge of oblivion—“
“You’re at Alton Towers?” I ask jokingly. It didn’t go down well.
“Fuck you! Jesus, I’m gonna be dying here and you’re baking a cake and cracking jokes? What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

I begin greasing the cake tin with lard.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” I reply calmly, “I’m not the suicidal one in this conversation.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “Touché,” she concedes.

She’s still quiet. I decide to press on.

“So what’s bought this on, anyway? Why are you going to end it all on this lovely Saturday?”
“Oh,” she sighs, “there’s a few things. Not that you fucking care.”
I’m tearing the greaseproof paper and lining the cake tin.
“I care,” I said, “you still owe me twenty quid’s worth of petrol money.”
She’s furious. At least I’m driving her away from the edge.
“Hey fuck you, I paid that money back and you know it!”
“Did not!”
“Did!”
“Did not!”
“Did did did!”

And suddenly we’re seven years old again and she’s not on the edge of a building somewhere and I’m not checking the oven temperature.

The moment passes.

“You know why I’m not dead yet?” she says, bringing the conversation back.
“Because I’m such an awesome suicide intervener?”
“It’s because some kids are eating burgers on a bench below me. I don’t know how old they are but I know only kids eat like that.”
She’s thinking of the children.
“Maybe you should go get a burger,” I venture.
“Nice try.”

I give the cake mixture a final few turns with a wooden spoon and take the bowl to the cake tin.

I hear her moving and suddenly it seems a lot less windier. She’s gone inside?
“I’ve not gone inside,” she says, “I’m just having a lie down.”
I start pouring the cake mix into the tin slowly.

“This isn’t a call for help, you know.”
“It is. I read it on a website. You don’t really want to kill yourself.”
“Fuck,” she says, adding darkly, “the internet.”

The cake mix has been poured  and I’m spooning the last of it out of the bowl into the tin.

“I went on this website earlier,” she says, “in the library. I just typed suicide into google and this was the first thing that came up. It’s all about stopping me committing suicide. I’m reading this site and then I scroll down and there’s a diagram. A fucking diagram.”

I smooth the cake mix flat in the tin.

“It’s some fucking scales and it says PAIN on one side and COPING RESOURCES on the other side. And the PAIN is outweighing the COPING RESOURCES. It’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Tone down the language, I was once young.”
“Fuck off. So I’m on this page designed to stop me killing myself and it’s giving me this patronising stupid diagram bullshit. Go to the site. Fucking look at it.”
“I will,” I assure her, “if you’re not dead, I will.”
“Shut up, I’m not finished. I go further down the page. There’s a list to some fucking books. They’re selling fucking books on this fucking website.”
“No,” I say with mock drama.
“Shut up! Do you know what they’re called? I’ll fucking tell you. The first one is SUICIDE: THE FOREVER DECISION.”

She laughs bitterly and I can’t help but smile.

“The next is called CHOOSING TO LIVE. That’s not so bad. The third is HOW I STAYED ALIVE WHEN MY BRAIN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME. Can you fucking believe that shit? It’s a fucking joke. It really is. I think the idea is to stop suicide by the sheer hilarity of the website.”

“It’s a novel idea,” I say. Pun intended.

“That was a shit joke,” she says.

I once again concede. She might be considering jumping off a building but the rest of her thought processes are making up for it.

I put the tin in the oven and slam the door shut. I look for the timer about the kitchen, tapping the faux-granite idly.

“Don’t kill yourself,” I say.
“The direct approach!” she exclaims. I hear the wind pick up again.

“I’m looking over the edge,” she says, “and those kids are gone. I could jump right now. I could do it.”

“Don’t,” I say, “they’d probably make me scrape you up.”
“That’s fucking sick,” she replies, getting angry again, “I’m on the fucking edge here and you’re making sick jokes like that. This is serious, you know. This is fucking serious!”

“That all depends on your point of view,” I reply calmly, meaning every word.
“What the fuck no! My suicide is serious!”
“Not really. I mean, everyone has to go sometime. Just some go messier than others.”
“You’re doing it again, you sick fuck!”
“Okay I’m sorry,” I say, adding a few hours to my electronic timer, “but my point still stands. Life is short and in the end, nobody cares. You know what my coping resource is? To push the fucking pain off the scales. I just don’t give a fuck.”
“That’s a pretty shitty attitude,” she says, suddenly sullen.
“My attitude’s working pretty well so far. I’m baking a cake and you’re on the edge of a building.”

She’s quiet. Maybe I got through to her.

“Look, I know you’re having problems. So am I.”
“Like fucking what?!” she shouts.
“Like my sister is going to fucking kill herself!” I shout back.

She shuts up again and I talk quietly.

“But the simple fact is that if you just don’t care about problems, they tend to go away. It’s not me being callous, I still help people and I’m still nice to people.”
She speaks quietly now. I think she’s crying. “Not everyone can think like that.”
“Then,” I say softly, “I guess evolution will see to all the suicidals off and my thought process will survive.”
“Oh for fucks sake,” she says, “this was getting fucking serious. Now look what you’ve fucking done.”

“Jesus, take a chill pill. Just don’t overdose.”

I can’t help but laugh at the joke and I’m sure she laughed too.

“You’re a fucking cunt of a brother,” she says.

I smile to myself and nod as I sit on the work surface.

“Fancy a slice of cake?” I ask.

“If you hurry it’ll still be slightly warm.”

She’s quiet on her end of the line, and there’s only that noise of her blowing her nose. The noise I used to hate so much when we were kids because she was always so loud and it always made such a horrible noise.

Right now, it’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Sure,” she says, “I’ll be right over.”
The website she talks about is real and is here: [link]

I decided to make up for lack of bad language in my last thing with this, too. Your eyes have been warned and if you soil them it is not my fault.

I wrote this to the self-imposed deadline of my curry finishing cooking in the oven.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2005-03-06
Baking Through Suicide by ~deviantkupo

Brother and sister. He bakes a cake, she contemplates suicide. Baking Through Suicide by ~deviantkupo is not only laugh-out-loud funny, it also comes with one of the sanest approaches to suicide I've ever heard. ( Suggested by danielzklein and Featured by ndifference )
:iconskruffie:
Skruffie Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2016  Student Digital Artist
I first read this way back on my old account and I still think about it from time to time. It's wonderful.

I'd love to see a short film based on this, honestly.
Reply
:icongwinnathewildlizard:
GwinnaTheWildLizard Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014   General Artist
This story is wonderful, thank you for writing it! I found it insightful and touching, and now I'm going to savor it and maybe read it a few more times.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I just read this to my dad, and he wants to make it into a stage skit, but I'd like to seek your permission first. He thinks it was both hysterical and highly emotional. 

Would it be alright with you? We'd only perform it here in our little town. 
Reply
:icondeviantkupo:
deviantkupo Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm flattered! Of course you make it into a skit - knock yourself out! And let me know how it goes :)
Reply
:icongadgetsmith:
Gadgetsmith Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
This is how I treat suicidal individuals. But not with cake.

I also ask them to leave Me their skeletons in their Last Will & Testament if they're going to go through with it, because I carve Bones occasionally, and I need a ribcage for a backpack.
Reply
:iconpariah8347:
Pariah8347 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Student General Artist
OMAIGAWD I CRIED. T-T Love this love this love this love this
Reply
:iconpeacelovingmadman:
PeaceLovingMadman Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconchesterabumplz: I baked through suicide once too! Everyone died...
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
At first I thought this could have been cheesy (from the title)
But how wrong I was!
A truly wonderful and funny story!!!!!!
Reply
:iconfictiophile:
Fictiophile Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
love it
Reply
:iconfawkes-winchester:
Fawkes-Winchester Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Recovering from an emotional breakdown, this brightened up my day. Well done good sir.
Reply
:iconav-artz:
AV-Artz Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Student Digital Artist
That was epic.
Reply
:iconlestatt32:
Lestatt32 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Student General Artist
wow... (cant think of anything else to say) :)
Reply
:iconamber1010:
Amber1010 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
This is my third time reading this! Might as well favorite!
Reply
:icondeviantkupo:
deviantkupo Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Three reads to get a favourite... you're a hard one to please!
Reply
:iconamber1010:
Amber1010 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012
Haha! I have to make sure ;D!
Reply
:iconalexnart:
alexnart Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012
This has put a smile on my face.
Thank you for writing it. :heart:
Reply
:iconlucy-merriman:
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2012  Student General Artist
Although I thought the main person was a girl and they were sisters, so it threw me for a loop when she said brother. I think I might be sexist; it was the cake-baking that did it. Or maybe it's just because I myself am a woman, I dunno.
Reply
:iconlucy-merriman:
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2012  Student General Artist
Wow, this is amazing. This is really powerful, I love it.
Reply
:iconharryarthuralston:
harryArthurAlston Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Student Writer
Probably one of my favourite pieces of writing I've ever read. And I read as much as I can. This has stuck with me for a very long time and every now and then I just have an urge to read it. Utterly fantastic.
Reply
:iconspeakgibberish1:
speakgibberish1 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012   Writer
As someone who has experiences of suicidality, I find this unrealistic and insincere.
Reply
:iconrockpolotics:
rockPolotics Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2012
Man, i've been playing too many video games. Throughout the whole thing i was looking for a " the cake is a lie" reference.
But, it was a splendid piece. Man, that dude is pro, though, i'd probably be freaking out if that happened to my sister.
Reply
:icondeviantkupo:
deviantkupo Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You just made me realise that, depressingly enough, this story pre-dates Portal.

D:
Reply
:icont-20-a-20:
T-20-A-20 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Student Photographer
Nice way of talking some one out of suicide
Cake, a solution to everything I guess
Reply
:iconzorbama:
zorbama Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very nice story, and well written. :)
I'm trying to translate this to Hebrew (not for publishing anywhere, just for fun), and I'm trying to think whether the title is a play on some phrase, like "breaking through" or "talking through". Is it, or am I just seeing things that aren't there? :lol:
Thanks in advance!
Reply
:icondeviantkupo:
deviantkupo Featured By Owner May 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, that's pretty cool, good luck with that! You're correct, the title is a play on the phrase "talking through" something.

Let me know how you get on!
Reply
:iconzorbama:
zorbama Featured By Owner May 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Great, thanks. :)

I still didn't really start, but I'm thinking today is a good idea.
Reply
:icon999jkjoker:
999jkjoker Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
good stuff.
Reply
:iconthe1eternal1:
The1eternal1 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012
My turtle likes this story. And so do I :D
Reply
:iconirkeninvadermaz:
IrkenInvaderMaz Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012  Hobbyist
Thats the most fucked up website...
Reply
:iconsoulxchild:
soulxchild Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2011  Student Photographer
god that website really is a boatload of crap...
Reply
:icondeviantkupo:
deviantkupo Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I know, right!? If you Google "suicide" now, though, Google puts a nice message at the top giving you the number for the Samaritans (in the UK, at least). Legends!
Reply
:iconsoulxchild:
soulxchild Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Student Photographer
In the US the first 4 or 5 links that come up are online dictionaries all stating that "suicide is the killing of oneself" Apparently, we are all quite insensitive over here :)
Reply
:iconmaraudian:
Maraudian Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
well, first they have a prevention hotline, but the second result is "suicide methods," hahaha.
Reply
:iconsoulxchild:
soulxchild Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2011  Student Photographer
People will be people, I guess :)
Reply
:iconhellsplumber:
HellsPlumber Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Is this a true story or fictional?

Either way it's gripping, really well written! =)
Reply
:icondeviantkupo:
deviantkupo Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Fictional, definitely fictional! If anything, it'd be me on the edge and my sister insulting me over the phone!
Reply
:iconhellsplumber:
HellsPlumber Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Ahh, thought it was a bit risky talking like that XD

Good to know you'd be the one on the edge o~o
...you okay? ^^;
Reply
:iconussama:
ussama Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2011
i read this so long ago. 2006 i think. it stayed with me.:)
Reply
:icondeviantkupo:
deviantkupo Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, that is a long time! Glad it stayed with you :)
Reply
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Submitted on
June 25, 2004
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