Queen James Bible - Exodus

Excerpt from the Queen James Bible, Exodus 19 to 22

Further reading available at www.queenjamesbible.org



19:1 Thus, Moses was alone once more. He looked to his left, where God was grinning at him maniacally. "Yes," he thought, "I am thoroughly alone!".

19:2 However, Moses was befriended by a man called Bob. Bob was a pretty cool dude. He was into the same kind of shit as Moses. Playing poker, lassoing turtles, etc etc.

19:3 The only thing about Bob was that he inexplicably embraced death in every possible situation. For example, if an extremely slow car were to move towards Bob, he would throw his head back, hold out his arms and prepare to be delivered to the lord. This annoyed most people, who tended not to kill him wherever possible.

19:4 So God called Moses up to Mount Sinai. He could have spoken to him on the ground, but things were just more difficult this way.

19:5 Bob pursued Moses. Then, a thunderous rockfall began a few hundred feet above them. Moses instinctively ran under a ledge. Bob embraced his own doom.

19:6 For twenty seconds, Bob stood with his eyes shut while the rocks fell the unfathomable distance, eventually sweeping him to his death 400 metres below.

19:7 And has quickly as he had come, Bob was gone. Moses was once again alone, chasing God up a mountain.

19:8 When Moses finally reached the summit of Sinai, God was waiting for him on a recliner. He had a drink in his hand and had apparently taken the ski lift which meant he got there several hours previously.

19:9 "Evening" said the Lord. "Yes?" said Moses, who had just climbed 43 cubits. Or was it 43,000,000?

19:10 "Here is a brush" said God. "Go and clean the Israelites".  

19:11 "I'm sorry?" queried Moses, as his faith in God slipped to sub-satanic levels.

19:12 "Your people", God took off his shades, "Fucking stink". Moses stared at the toothbrush he had been given.

19:13 "I'm supposed to clean thousands of people with a toothbrush!?" yelled Moses. "You'll figure it out" said God and disappeared into a cloud of soil.

19:14 Moses pondered for a while. "Cleaning the five thousand?" he said, before hurling the toothbrush over the side of the mountain and trudging back down the beaten path.

19:15 In a strange twist of physics, as Moses was walking down the path, the toothbrush hit him on the back of the head. This caused him to roll down the last 5000 feet; primarily on his face.

19:16 Moses would have found this odd but after all, who controlled physics?

19:17 He reached the bottom with all the grace of a child playing snooker. He picked himself up and wandered to the "XXX GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" tent.

19:18 Meanwhile, God was scribing something.

19:19 He'd had this idea for some time. Since Eden infact. Mankind was a bunch of useless cocks and as such, he needed to make some ground rules.

19:20 God pondered this over breakfast and wrote the rules in his burnt toast with the blunt end of a razor blade.

19:21 He had a sip of his paint stripper and read the paper for a bit. This only gave him more ideas. It was a tabloid.

19:22 Then God took a break from rulemaking because Trisha was on. Other people's problems amused him so. Mainly because he created most of them.

19:23 After Trisha, God got back to work only to find his toast had been eaten by his Ultra-Cat.

19:24 God found a screwdriver and began re-scribing the rules. On his newly flattened Ultra-Cat.

19:25 There were ten commandments. And they went a little something like this:


20:1 "Listen, yo, my name be God, and these are the rules I lay from ab.. hod.."

20:2 God stopped rapping and began his Powerpoint presentation of the Ten Commandments onto Sinai.

20:3 "There Shall Be No Other Gods," presented God, followed by a piece of clipart of a man with a bolt of lightning, a crackly 3 second audio clip of someone screaming "NOOOOOO!" and then a cheesy transition to the next Commandment.

20:4 "Thou Shalt Not Make Fun Of Gods Face Or Create Caricatures Or Exaggerated Images Of Me Especially In Tabloid Newspapers." Rupert Murdoch slinked away, paying someone three million pounds to scowl for him.

20:5 God clicked and the Third Commandment appeared. "Thou Shalt Not Reach To The Back Of The Shelves In The Supermarket To Get The Longest Lasting Items."

20:6 God laboured too long on this Commandment, and his Dr Who screensaver appeared, much to the embarrassment of all, particularly Dr Who.

20:7 The next was, "Thou Shalt Not Translate Holy Scripture Out Of Its Original Language."

20:8 Moses played a little pocket pool, so God quickly outlawed masturbation. After a moments thought, God decided to outlaw Moses instead. "Hey, c'mon, that's unfair!"

20:9 God decided to scrap that idea and instead declared "The Sabbath To Be The Day Of Rest." Moses smiled and God continued, "You shalt labour for six days, and rest a seventh."

20:10 People shouted, "What, that's shit! What about Saturday?! Yeah, c'mon God, you prick!" With that last remark, God definitely wasn't changing it.

20:11 God then, presumably as some sort of punishment, spent several verses explaining how he'd worked for six days to make the earth, so everyone should labour for six days and then rest on the seventh.

20:12 Moses reasoned thusly, "If that is so, Lord, then perhaps we should also have the power to launch cobras from our eyes and crush cities underfoot." God flicked Moses with a mighty finger into a jar and shook him up.

20:13 The next Commandment was, "Thou shalt not kill." God considered this for a moment and added, "Your own team mates during online gaming."

20:14 The next was, "Thou shalt not commit adultery and get caught and if you do, thou must make up an elaborate tale about how she was choking and one was performing something along the lines of an Internal Heimlich Manoeuvre."

20:15 God revealed the next Commandment to be, "Thou shalt not filch, pilfer, purloin, snatch, thieve, lift, swipe, hook, pinch or nab. Unless you have a dealer to meet. Or a loanshark."

20:16 God rambled on, saying, "Thou shall not bear false witness to your neighbour, nor make false witnessings of bears to your neighbours."

20:17 Continuing, he said, "Thou shalt not fake orgasms on pornographic videos."

20:18 And people saw all the Commandments and were amazed. Then they saw thunder and lightning and were annoyed, because they'd left the washing out. Finally, God blew a trumpet and everyone was kind of, well, unsure of what to say, I mean, he's God and all but, y'know, you'd think he would be better at the trumpet.

20:19 Everyone was pretty shaken and they asked Moses about what it all meant and, more importantly, could they go home and get their washing in yet?

20:20 And Moses said, "Fear not, for God says he stole all your washing earlier and destroyed it." This did little to raise the spirits of the Israelites.

20:21 Moses went and stood near God, who was encased in a thick, dark shell made of chocolate, with sandpaper underneath. Moses licked the shell and quickly wished he hadn't.

20:22 God told Moses to stop licking his Sandpaper Chocolate Relaxation Ball and to go and tell the Israelites to obey me and if they have forgotten what I spake then...

20:23 God paused for a moment in his shell. "... Then, they shall die horribly at one of my many hands."

20:24 Moses turned to leave when God called out, "Moses! Sacrifice some things to me and I shall grant thee a +1 alignment bonus!" Moses, puzzled, confused and with half his tongue missing, trudged down Sinai.

20:25 Moses made an altar out of a large amount of cement and a small birthday candle.

20:26 He sacrificed the candle by lighting it and went home to find his washing hanging on the line, utterly soaked from all the rain. Moses sighed and thought about what God had said. "Lying bastard."


21:1 God smashed down from Sinai and landed infront of Moses, who blinked. God wasn't finished yet.

21:2 "Did I forget to mention the by-commandments?" he said, as Moses pulled a small rock out of his nose.

21:3 "For starters, if you have a slave, you get to keep him forever UNLESS..." Moses sighed and glanced away.

21:4 "He is A) Blind B) Orange or C) Unskilled in the use of taxidermist's equipment."

21:5 "Blind, Orange Taxidermists are the order of the day then!" said Moses, surprisingly upbeat. "No" said God "You just didn't fucking listen did you?"

21:6 Moses wondered when he ever listened.

21:7 "Also" continued God, "Selling your daughter to a lobster will be subject to Stamp duty."

21:8 "Oh come on!" yelled Moses, who was a first time buyer.

21:9 "Finally, Anyone called Moses shall die a horrible death at 3pm on Tuesday" God concluded.

21:10 Moses checked his cheesewatch. 14:59. Tuesday the 42nd of Wallbanger 4034BC.

21:11 "Fucking B.." said Moses, before he was cut short. Literally.

21:12 God had taken the form of a triffid and was slicing Moses into pieces with a katana.

21:13 God ceased and glared at Moses, who had taken the form of small chunks and was quickly running down the drain.

21:14 "Think about this moment the next time you want to make fun of your divine creator" he said, wiping his blade on his ginger sideburns.

21:15 Moses reformed, only to be utterly dismayed that God had taken the liberty of having a shit into his remains and stirring it up in a bucket.

21:16 Moses dismay continued when, a couple of microseconds after his reformation, God's 6 foot long erect penis smashed him into the floor like a large blunt nail.

21:17 When he opened his eyes, he was buried up to his neck in earth. God was sitting infront of him with a large lamp, shining it in his eyes.

21:18 God went on at great length about the new rules of his world. All the time he was doing this, he stroked his knee worryingly.

21:19 Basically, killing other people, being rude to your parents, fishing for birds and speaking without a license were all now punishable by death.

21:20 Marmite was not to be spreadified after 3pm. Raffle tickets could not be sold to those over 70.

21:21 Solicitors must wear a sign declaring their status in society.

21:22 Doors must be fashioned from trees growing in alkaline soil and must be no greater than 3 feet in width.

21:23 This was to prevent fat people breaking into your home and stealing all your food/children.

21:24 Second to this, the new legal threshold for fat people was 3 feet in width. Any more and you were made to live on a flotilla in the middle of the lake.

21:25 The use of electric fences to impound crabs was now illegal.

21:26 Horse on woman action was not a criminal offence, but it was frowned upon. Much like having sex with your grandmother.

21:27 Dental surgery was to be carried out by Unqualified personnel only.

21:28 Any cows found guilty of killing a man shall be stoned to death.

21:29 Perhaps that would be "Mooder".

21:30 I am so sorry.

21:31 Tenuous jokes were made illegal, punished solely by the suspect/author being forced to drink 6 pints of his own piss.

21:32 The minimum depth of a pit was raised to just 4 feet. This didn't include subsidence or weathering.

21:33 A new unit for measuring the wobbliness of supermarket trolley wheels was introduced.

21:34 Female-invented colours such as "Lemon, Coffee, Mauve, Taupe, Puce etc" were now banned and replaced with proper colours like Horrahorrawamagong.

21:35 Facefucking became mandatory.

21:36 God finished. Moses nodded. God wandered off. Vertically.


22:1 God returned quickly, waving a small orange piece of paper and saying, "Thou must throw away thy cinema tickets and not in my garden!"

22:2 Moses made the mistake of asking God where his garden was. God answered by laughing, stretching his arms around the entire planet and screaming, "This entire planet is my garden! Hahaha!"

22:3 Moses was saddened. God had crushed his bicycle.

22:4 God laid down a strict, complex and completely amazing penal code which nobody remembered and thus the creation of law must fall to Aaron.

22:5 Aaron decided that laws should be decided by everyone so that they were fair, neglecting to remember that most people are stupid.

22:6 Death was subsequently outlawed, the punishment being more death. God wouldn't have minded, but there was an influx of people in heaven who just kept on screaming as their bodies were burnt.

22:7 "Aaargh fuck!" they cried, "I thought this was heaven, a place of eternal peace! Shit! God! What is going on?!"

22:8 God then had to carefully explain that he didn't give a fuck and if they didn't stop screaming he'd resurrect them inside a wall cavity.

22:9 God stopped Aaron making laws and, while he was at it, stopped Aaron talking, eating or breathing, allowing him only precious seconds moments before he died.

22:10 Moses said, "Come on, God, is there any need?" Moses got the same treatment for a few hours.

22:11 God then span quickly, releasing Moses from his almost fatal grip. "I free you Moses, but..."

22:12 God then stepped forward, plucked out Moses' eyes and thrust them down his pants. Moses took a moment to adjust to the light, then began screaming.

22:13 Someone ambled past, seeing Moses with his eye sockets empty and small amounts of tissue leading into Gods waistband, with Moses screaming.

22:14 All that mans psychotherapist could extract from him was, "Always... screaming... never... stopped... screaming... EYES! Screaming... always..."

22:15 The result of treating the man who had seen God's torture of Moses had sent the psychotherapist into a breakdown, so he had to see a psychotherapist too.

22:16 During a particularly long session, God showed up, plucked out the stricken mans eyes and thrust them down his pants. Spinning himself to maximum effect.

22:17 Much later, God returned to Moses. "Let's not let this happen again, Moses." Moses did nod.

22:18 Also, God said, "Fuck witches, too! I hate them, all that healin' shit. I chop a mans leg off, I want him to die! They just mess things up."

22:19 God then said, "Moreover, no man who lieth with a beast shall live, unless the beast is over 36, or the equivalent of 16 in animal years."

22:20 Moses asked what 'animal years' were, entertaining the idea that animals lived in transparent dimensions with differing relations to time, thus producing quicker aging creatures in the same universe.

22:21 God said this was stupid, stepped quickly towards Moses and plucked out his eyes. Moses, quick thinking, produced a pair of scissors and cut the optical nerves clean through.

22:22 God deflated slightly. "You can... have them back, I don't want them anymore."

22:23 Moses thanked God, replaced his eyes and got a rather nasty shock when he discovered the surprise God had left him on his eyes.

22:24 God decided to expel some more law-ery, a word which is far more challenging to say than it is to type.

22:25 He said, "Thou must not burn candles straight onto the hearth. Use a kittens mouth."

22:26 Moses made notes, which God promptly grabbed from his hand, screwed up and threw away. Moses looked at God blankly.

22:27 God looked back and said quietly, "I, uh, hmm." He picked up the paper, gently unfolded it, smoothed it out on his chest and handed it back to Moses.

22:28 The next rule was, "Don't eat poisonous mushrooms if you are planning on jogging in a straight line."

22:29 The next was, "Do not give alcohol to minors, unless they are thy children and they go 'Ewww!' when they drink it. If they do not go 'Ewww!' then they must pay for it. All of it."

22:30 God stroked a sheep softly, staring into the sky. "Uh, God?" said Moses, waving his hand.

22:31 God turned quickly and snapped, "Don't drink dog cocktails!" And then vanished, to be replaced by a puff of smoke and a smoking puff. "That's offensive language," said the homosexual. Moses walked away.


Excerpt from the Queen James Bible, Exodus 19 to 22

Further reading available at www.queenjamesbible.org